Year of the Dragon
I think I had possibly the best (Lunar) New Year's Day ever.

Hopefully I started off on the right foot, because:
I found a quarter and a dime and some pennies on the street.
I ate really yummy food from Woorijip in Koreatown then ate them at my apartment.
I found something that I might buy.
I let go of something.
I feel like I am close to a breakthru.

Been in my head for weeks

good and bad
today i logged in to webmail and aim for the first time in a long time. oh my gosh i used to be really good at sorting my emails and putting them away in folders. i used to also be really good at sending a certain type of email to my friends. now i'm not good at sorting my emails. i used to also title posts here. i used to also love aim!

i can't help it. i feel sad tonight.

At work, tryin' to find something in my meta archives. Can't find it, but did skip all the way back to Summer 2008 on this baby. Oh, life was so funny then. Life is funny now. I now own this helmet. and a lock and i got a bike last weekeend. Oh yeah! My new tumblr is amoritz.tumblr.com. I might start using deliciousnuts.tumblr.com again too. I miss meta!

Last night my body did something it's never done before! and i forgot to take a picture. gah!

i love this blog. i love you. and you. and you. and maybe not you. but i love you.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS
lol. no one understands why i miss my hair so much. i like that it's short and i can have little pony tails that are just the cutest. but i miss braiding my hair and putting it on top of my head in a bun and even brushing it. or feeling my fingers through it in the shower.
even if my hair was this long

the rats outside sound like little monkeys

normally i would write this down for myself, but today i feel like writing it here.
lynne was in town for a couple days so i finally got to see her. i love her so much and i miss her already. i'm sad because i think that was goodbye until i visit here in sf whenever that is...also i'm sad because chief died recently and he was awesome and he was in remission but i guess two bouts of cancer could kill even him. so i hung out with lynne. she inspired me to exercise more and also to get a secret thing done to my head. and also i'm glad she was back because for some reason i only see charlie with her even though i like him a lot and i also hadn't seen kevin and kathryn. i think kathryn has a drinking problem. ummm. she denies it. also, sleepovers at nu delta are fun and it's also fun because jason's room is in the basement with a door to the street and laundry (for free!) down the hall. so basically i was hanging out with lynne the past two days.
today i woke up early. it was my first night at the apartment in about a week and i barely got to hang out with katie and perri (christine spent the night in lincoln). when i got back to cleveland circle last night the place was messy. i think it's because i wasn't there and i'm very tidy. it's easy to realize how tidy i am in that apartment because there is a place for everything and i like to put things in there place and pick up little bits of trash and clean the coffee filter out and empty trash or the dishwasher or whatever. so i did that and when katie and perri got home i think they were happy. i was so tired and all i wanted to do was finish "wide sargasso sea" but they were going to allston to have dinner and beer. not for me, recently because recently i've been getting too drunk. so they left and i was going to finish the book but then katie's computer was open and her browser was open to netflix so i finally watched "la belle et la bete", mais j'etais fatiguee, donc j'ai dormi. then they got back and went to sleep and i was restless and looked online at haircuts i want to get (shhh, secret excitement), and finally i finished that book and it was spooky and i liked it a lot even though it was not my favorite.
so that was last night. this morning i woke up at 8am again and had coffee and cereal and a banana and then caught the 86 to harvard square and then the red line to central. that was on a whim since i was planning on going to dado and working but instead i decided to surprise bryan, drop off my computer and work out. so i did all those things and bryan was so happy to see me and i forgot how much fun it is to surprise someone special in the middle of a dream. then i went to star market and got yummy things like watermelon and corn and bread and oj and other things and went back and made lunch. lunch was mac n' cheese with broccoli and watermelon. there was also a mini serious conversation about the future. MIAM MIAM!
then i realized 'oh fuck, i forgot my pants for the meeting tomorrow at the apt.' so i went back and found the pants and my shoes and a shirt and did laundry and hung out with katie and perri and christine. chrsitine was in a bad mood because her phone died for a little while and she is intense about things like that. katie was quiet. i wonder what's up with her because she has been looking sad and lonely for a while. sometimes she is happy and fun, but most of the time i think she would rather be alone and smoke a cigarette and maybe think about a boy and then feel lonely. i also tried to paint my nails but they looked bad.
now i'm here in bryan's room and i should be preparing for tomorrow (oh yeah, perry(hung) said i could borrow his car. so excited to drive) but i'm writing this and i keep thinking 'ugh, i wish i could just get my hair cut NOW!' but no such luck.
oh yeah, overall i'm happy. very happy. but being with out a job kind of sucks and i feel depressed about it and i am stressed out because the summer is almost over and then i will have nowhere to live except here if bryan doesn't get too sick of my already.

it feels like summer. all i'm missing is a kari above me.

wow!

inversions are so cool! i will practice my headstand :)
this yogi, dharma mittra, has been practicing yoga in nyc for 45 years! !!!! and he took all of these pictures himself by pressing the shutter release in his mouth.
more more more!

last night doing back bends driving on twisty roads in the mountains with my family in the front and me in the back with a strange older man who loves lines and has his hair shaved with the most beautiful, simple lines. there was a shack with a party. i wasn't invited. so i went into this car and we decided not to go to the liquor store here but to drive to some cheap one on route 2. i don't know of any liquor store on rt. 2 except at the end of it in the mall by fresh pond. but we were going west anyways. probably far enough out there is one. like in acton or somewhere.
spring break is over. there are people walking in and out of my suite again.

do you know how bebop started? why black people are so fucking good at bebop? do you know why white folks just. can't. do. it. they. may. be. stiff. but that's not why. not exactly. they may listen and buy every record and practice with the black people. but they can't do it. why the sounds they make just don't jive? why? because white people didn't hear what a night stick beating on their heads just for being white sounds like. but black people did. bop bop bop be bop. i love the word "jive" even though i feel uncomfortable using it. what. oh, gtg. anjuli is in love.

i wish
someone would say something really nice to me. it's been such a long time since i've been complimented. SO please find something about me that you like and come tell me what it is. but wait a little while so i don't think you're saying it just because you read my blog...or do, ok? thanks.
my room feels kind of dirty. here's why: everyone. should. know. that. the other day. i smoked. two cigarettes. i blame it on joe, the freshman. i was naked and i painted my nails red and i put on red lipstick and i sat in front of my huge mirror and watched myself while i was smoking. then i kept playing my flute and got lipstick on the lip plate. and that's why my room feels dirty because it still smells a little bad. and i have a pile of sheets in the corner.
tonight i cooked dinner for drew shapiro. roast chicken! i never cook meat, but i'm going to start. ugh. i realized this week that i either don't have any friends or i don't like any of the people i used to hang out with. i was especially reminded of this tuesday night when justen, perry, and charlie made me feel like shit by making fun of me and my sex life while drunk. and then, again, on friday when i was pretty much stood up by my old best friend, alice brooks. (charlie and perry apologized but of course justen hasn't and i still haven't heard from alice) i wish i could go back home but my mom is not talking to me and i try to talk to rian but i get so upset whenever i think about him that if i talk to him i inevitably hang up on him. also, i hate cell phones. i talked to my brother for an hour the other day but we had to call each other back three times because our calls kept getting dropped. i'm going to find a phone to receive calls in bexley. i think i can do that. so yeah. i really really really need to start feeling good about myself again. thank you.

andy checks my beautiful craniotomy while i get pooped on.


i made jello!

new nightmare:
i collect keys in a box and they want to send me to the hospital. i just have to steal the keys to the hospital!

today i was the most stressed out i've been in a while. don't wake up. please don't feel this. steady, boy. don't flinch. ewwwwww. just in the nick of time! i learned andy's name finally. i guess that means the other one is. umm. fuck. i can't remember! josh. andy is the only grad student in allll of bcs from massachusetts. is that weird to you? it is for me. here's a poem i wrote today:
Mojo out of head
Quick boozing
Warp voxels

Head out of booze
Quick Mojo
Warping voxels

and here are some thoughts i had while waiting for a train this weekend:
I think my sweater smells very bad.
I wish I remembered deodorant. Do I usually wear deodorant?
I wonder if Nick has a girlfriend.
I forget what my flickr account is.
I want to visit my old man in Flagstaff.
Does Flagstaf(f?)) have 2 fs?
I like birds inside of buildings.

(Oh man. It smells.)

OK! have a good and less stressful than my Wednesday Thursday everyone. I love you and, please, wish me good things.

i've been trying to do this forever now. why? why is it so slow?

oh my god she is ridiculous and i think i'm going mad.

Christian Bok, Eunoia chapter U

Hi, this reminds me of you:
"It's not that you expect anything in particular from this particular book. You're the sort of person who, on principle, no longer expects anything of anything. There are plenty, younger than you or less young, who live in the expectation of extraordinary experiences: from books, from people, from journeys, from events, from what tomorrow has in store. But not you. You know that the best you can expect is to avoid the worst. This is the conclusion you have reached, in your personal life and also in general matters, even international affairs. What about books? Well, precisely because you have denied it in every other field, you believe you may still grant yourself legitimately this youthful pleasure of expectation in a carefully circumscribed area like the field of books, where you can be lucky or unlucky, but the risk of disappointment isn't serious," (Calvino, If on a winter's night a traveler).

marvin gaye, distant lover

last january, al green, marvin gaye, kc and the sunshine band, penelope moonchild, katie the lady, me. the three shits. that's us.

also can i please WRITE how much i miss my dearest christie/kari combo.
picture:
nahanahanahan

ughhh just gave a sleepy presentation. it is so beautiful out and i'm inside waiting for it to be 5pm so i can get free pastries from this place where i'm staring at a really ugly cake that they want to sell. yuck! who wants a chai flavored cake covered in green frosting with blue dollops of more yuck on it. ??? burnt caramel is WAY too sweet. yesterday i fell in love with my ta for the way he said he was a vegetarian and then, unfortunately, killed the mouse(i'm adding him to my mailing list). my cousin ate a grapefruit. OMG GABriel CIRA IS IN BOSTON! gillian is going out with a younger man. her main concern is coffee will make her old.
i
love
you
just a perfect message to every one.

i love this scene. the teacher is played by mariko okada who i saw in person with yoshida at the hfa last spring. she is so beautiful.

michael jackson's doctor charged with involuntary manslaughter. sad. i actually still hate remembering that michael jackson is dead. speaking of dying, pearl is closed. i was at cheapo a couple days ago (got some awesome cassettes!) and the owner was talking about how they may have to close. so sad.
anywasees. i slept too long last night after watching half of the super bowl and now i'm not sure if i have time to brush my hair before class before i go see tampopo with kari and her mommy.

this video is amazing!!

a movie that looks amazing:

wind so windy it blows my window down. places i "fell asleep" today: avt, maslab, studio table, kari's futon, my desk. no one understands my pugs. so sad 4.12a is over. made me cry. wtf! i miss bnewbold. and i want to run around when i wake up. guess what, i met travis last year. kari has cardboard pressed to the side of her head. i got my lips superglued shut. ouch.

i miss christie and seohyung and lynne. i think christie gets back today?!
also, i want to go down to swarthmore. come with me.

text i sent my dad last night: "i'm going to be home really late. like tomorrow, ok?" that was before amanda stole my phone and disappeared back to lincoln.

i'm watching the "woodie awards" in the lounge. all of the music sounds the same. blech. i hate college.

i can't wait to feel your sun shine down on me from above.
nothing is going on in my life. just stressing about school which I'll be done with in one week and four hours. also, i'm reinstating sunday night dinners. i saw james this weekend and it reminded me of how fun sundays at limit city were last year. that's all. i'm going to keep listening to angel of love on repeat.

SPOON
Though the water boils,
Don't turn off the heat
Can't find the spoon that we once had,
The sugar cubes will melt no more

We belong as two together,
We belong as two together

How can you take my soul?
Stop...i need a new beat
Can't find the spoon that we once had,
The sugar cubes will melt no more

We belong as two together,
We belong as two together
<3 cibo matto

angel love

I'm REALLY into this song right now. Tonight I won my first game of the season! Frazer won the game before that and before that I was upstairs drawing in bed for Jason. This weekend was fun. More and more nights I am spending getting to know Sam and Kevin and some of the other freshman who are pretty awesome. Of course I love Sam the most because he's so cute! and he let me dress him up for a party on Saturday, and he lives with me and does his dishes. Now I'm sick...again! What's wrong with me?! The past couple days I've been stuck in bed, sweating, coughing, dying a little each second, and feeling really sad. really really sad. But. but but but. I'm getting healthier, little by little, and I have good friends who bring me juice when I'm too sick to get out of bed. And my spirits have been lifted! Thanks Christie, Kari, Seohyung, Lynne, Frazer, Okie. <3s to all of you.

I'm so happy right now. I've been so happy these past few DAYS. this whole WEEK. I'm so excited to study all weekend with Lynne because I LOVE her. HAPPY. STUDY. EXCITED. Last night I went on a date. with KARI. I love HER.
no musings, just a tummy ache. oh, poor tummy, sorry i ate those things you don't like. really, i am sorry and i FEEL sorry. but I LOVE ice cream. yes i do. i love going to get ice cream with people. it's like...my thing. to meet people at toscis and say, "HI! how have the last 6 years of your life been?" no, not really because that's kind of a pointless question. how was college? nope. how have you been since you graduated? nope. what about since you moved to cambridge? nuhuh. how are you? ehhhh. it's funny. picking up with someone after that many years you might as well start over.
but what about meeting someone new? SO MUCH FUN. it can be, at least if you meet that person laughing. HAHAHAHABLAHBALDKFAHA,HEHEHETOOAWHOOOHWOOOWHHAHA. woooohoo! FIRE IT UP!

so, al green sang i'm so tired of being alone. last night was so fun. i touched al green!

I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on-my-own,
won't you help me, girl,
just as soon as you can.
People say that I've found a way,
to make you say,
that you love me.
But baby,
you didn't go for that,
me, it's a natural fact,
that I wanna come back,
show me where it's at, baby.

I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on-my-own,
won't you help me, girl,
just as soon as you can.
I guess you know that I, uh,
love you so,
even though,
you don't want me no more,
hey, hey, hey, I'm cryin' tears,
all through the years,
I tell you like it is,
honey, love me if you can.

Ya baby,
tired of being alone here by myself,
I tell ya, I'm tired baby,
I'm tired of being all wrapt up late at night,
in my dreams, nobody but you, baby.
Sometimes I wonder,
if you love me like you say you do,
You see baby, I've been thinking about you,
I've been wanting to get next to you, baby,
Sometimes I hold my arms and I say,
Mmmmm hmmmm hmmmm,
O baby, needing you has proven to me,
to be my greatest dream.

I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on-my-own,
...Sometimes late at night I get to wonderin' about you baby,
Baby, baby, ya...

i turned 21 on monday! and i didn't get drunk. met a guy from environmental encroachment who got me and three friends into the honk! party. i also got his number :) but that was by accident on the way home and man, it was so cold that night. i was wearing very little aside from fishnets and glitter and plenty of sweat so i got sick biking to brooke's house. still sick, but i hope i pull it together for al green tomorrow.
Lay your head on my pillow
Hold your warm and tender body close to mine
Hear the whisper of the raindrops
Blow softly against my window pain late at night
Make believe you love me one more time
For the good times
I'll get along I'm sure youll find another
But baby please remember I'll be here
I'm gone stay right here if you should ever find that you need me
Don't say a word about tomorrow forever and ever and ever
There will be time enough for severence when you need me

ilikeyouilikeyouilikeyou
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
somethingcurlyandprettyhere
picturepictureheartheartheart
snifflesoblaughcrysmiletiltshead
ilikeyouilikeyouiloveyouilove
youyouyouyou
<3

happy october!

self-reflection is good for you. do it more often. take yourself seriously but don't be a jerk about it. i gave up on taking myself seriously because it made life easier, but now i need to get back to being me-- when i used to love nostalgia and instead of regret i could look back in time and feel that bitter-sweetnes. when i used to be so cozy at simmons and enjoy wednesday sunsets at 41w.

Last Night
"do you want to spend the night?" "uhhhh," like an ex-boyfriend was asking me and it could (maybe) be a really bad idea, but something i had been wishing for. so i went to spend the night, saw the beautiful floors, saw where the bed was. helped make the futon for sleeping on. tried explaining my sketches and realized that i had too much work to sleep over so i said goodnight and came back to bexley. i love my house. i love that we now have storage for only futons. i love the amazing oven. i love hardwood floors. i love that my house is so old. i love that the foundation is a hole in the rock that is the mountain. i love that i live on a mountain! and our roof is nice. i love our carriage house and the old wallpaper and the green carpet and the music room and our butler's pantry. i love the huge windows in the dining room, in the living room, family room, music room, in my parent's bedroom. i love our backyard with the stone wall and our bed of irises that bloom in the spring--my first paint-ing.
all my plans for partying fell through this weekend and instead i hung out with kari and did work. i like to talk about the party last night, or the dreams i had or things i wish would have happened. less stories start with "last night" than before--mainly i dream at night and not much else. maybe it would be different if i had someone i was even sort of crushing on. it would help if i saw that person around town and at parties. but i don't. and maybe it would be different if if if if. oh whatever. this is where my conversations have been going with my friends! maybe a consequence of becoming a homebody and not getting out as much as i used to. i need some sort of middle ground between 0 and 5 day weekends.

i feel like i'm happy because i'm busy and, well, happy! but i'm always tired. last year i got a lot of sleep and i was in control of my body and i was totally unhappy.
funny

life kinda stinks when you're always feeling like you'll get a cold tomorrow. i keep waking up achy and sniffly and tired. blah. then on top of that i'm stressing out over registration and school. and then on top of that i bought a bunch of ice cream last night and ate a lot of it and i'm lactose intolerant but i didn't bother to take any supplementary lactase sooooooo ... :( and why is it cold at night! i blame the cold on my sniffles and sleepy eyes. my sore shoulders and heavy head. other than that i think life is pretty good. last night i had this dream that it was two weekends from now but i was stuck at my parents' house with no way to get back to cambridge. when i finally have time to cook again i'm going to make arepas. not sure what kinds of fillings i'll make yet.

so many people are moving to brooklyn. andrew just moved there from tokyo! i was reading andrew's lj and he wrote this: Oh and my girlfriend is great as well, a million miles away. hah. I still am very surprised that even that happened as well, but still. Grand. I don't know how to describe this feeling of ... hmmmm love is a strong word, security is a strong word. I say tie or bond instead. Yeah this bond is great.
i'm excited for being 21 (and it is pretty close). i love going out with new friends and being drunk. i want to hang out with andrew because he is a lot of fun. isn't it so much fun to have friends from all over the world? i don't even know any of them very well, but it's, like, guaranteed fun.

will this be a flour blog?
i hope not. but i like working there a lot. except sometimes i hate it. i mean i don't have fun. or maybe i just get too into it and i forget to have fun, which is important. SMILE!!! smiling is so fun. so is flirting. recently i've gotten super curious about hungary. i AM hungarian. isn't that so cool?!

so. i work at flour and i rip on this one guy i work with all the time to poeple not at flour. but tonight i went out with people i work with, and guess what, they think he's a sweetie. umm? no. i can't stand him. i wrote about this in my journal and i feel like all the reasons i don't like him or what i complain about is insignificant, but it drives me crazy nonetheless. also. i love some of these people.

omg just got back from the beach. so tired. i got too drunk last night and had a pretty wild time and didn't sleep very much at all but still kept cstott waiting an hour at the train station. i almost cried! when i found out that shane mcconkey died in march. i'm a few months late but wtf! rip shane. it's too weird. i was just watching pura vida where he's young and crazy and thinking i wonder when he'll die. well, he died skiing off a cliff. how fucking unfortunately appropriate :(

i finally installed my aircon today!
i think i slept thirteen hours last night [food coma]
i missed a party i said i would go to.
i watched eat drink man woman. finally.
then i watched pura vida and downloaded playground.
i have beans soaking on my kitchen counter.
i can't believe kari is gone for three weeks. miss her!
also, when does seohyung get back?
where did ALL of my gfs go?

i hate texts
because i'm never sure if when i cancel them that they are actually canceled. this has happened to me several times, and i think i'm safe from saying something mean or embarrassing or private by accident, but i'm not! stop setting me up to fail. like when someone is mad at you and you apologize and they forgive you and everything is settled. but it's not! they are still actually mad at you and you find out later that they are going to be cool to you for a long time. how surprising.
i have to get ready for jaime's engagement party. my stomach does not feel good. i wish someone could make it better.

you're such a bad person now that you have a tv
guess who said that to me. guess what else: i don't even use my tv. also guess what. it's not even my tv! it's lynne's and i'm holding it for the summer. and it's in the most inconvenient and uncomfortable to watch location in my room. in order to see it i have to lay on my stomach on the edge of my bed and then there is a lamp pole in my line of sight@! so i don't watch it. plus, what's even on tv? nada. nothing that i watch. when i was home last month i got into watching the late night tv shows with my mom. but now i'm never around to watch them and even if i were, i don't have habits the way i did at home. tv was just a habit. a bad bad bad habit. now if i want to watch tv i would go to the lounge and i'm always hesitant to watch anything other than movies in the lounge. for a couple reasons. one, there are always people in the lounge watching really bad things (people who don't even live in bexley any more and i'm not talking about justen and mali); and two, i'm worried that people will also think that i watch really bad and embarassing things.
guess where i am. ohio. in my grandmother's house. i'm staying in my aunt's old room as usual. not really, but this is the room i stayed in when i was a kid. tonight i found boxes of picture slides in the closet--well organized and labeled. so i went through trying to find pictures of my aunt roseanne and dad. i never met my aunt. she died when she was young in a car accident. sad. oh yeah. i love love love my grandmother. i always tell people she's kind of depressing and old and you know, just not very loving in comparison to my other grandmother. not true. she is wonderful and impressive. back to pictures. found pictures of roseanne. and my dad. that's all.
no, wait! i bought 4 munchkins for 1.29 but 25 are 5.00. i guess i don't care. by the way, 4 munchkins come in a really cute bag.

the gentle rain
today i was in the bathroom at flour and was surprised to see my mom waiting on the other side of the door when i walked out! she came to pick me up and buy some dessert for my grandmother at mclean. whattttt a surprise. so i saw my grandma today and that's always difficult. but today was a good day and all i had to hear was "i'm so tired i think i'm going to die let me close my eyes for 10 minutes...ok, only 1 minute i want to close my eyes" rather than "take me to the bathroom" we get to the bathroom "i cannot pee" we go back to sit "take me to the bathroom so much i feel i need to"... it also seems my grandmother has a friend! her name is theresa and i think they're the same age. she told me about her husband who just died four months ago and i cried. it was too sad and tooo romantic. she has two wise grandsons my age and her sister is a nun. then i met a man who couldn't find his room so i looked at his hospital band and guess what, he's exactly 66 years older than me! he was in the doorway to his room so i took him in and asked if i could do anything else, "yea, where's the john around here!" then around 5pm all the old people started to go a little [more] crazy...excuse me, more agitated. theresa, who seemed totally fine earlier, started looking really frightened, probably had something to do with all the screaming old people, and came to me for my hand and started asking where her husband was. ohhh my god. this other woman kept yelling at me and asking me all these questions, all of which i answered, but she still started hitting me so i backed away pretty confused. one of the caretakers just looked at me and told me she can't hear anything. i guess that explains it. that same woman showed me her boobs and wanted me to hold them up.
i want a thunderstorm! a really big one that takes away all the humidity. i want it to be so big that the power goes out and i can live by candle light. i want it to rain softly after the thunderstorm so i can walk around in the dark and feel the mist on my skin! it could even happen in ohio. i'm driving there tomorrow night with my sister. love her!

thangs are definitely looking up.

whatta job/lovers rock
i wonder how loud my music is playing right now. boom boom. i'm looking for the boom. ohhh my gosh. remindin' me of devin tha dude and two summers ago when will saw it on my public directory. so funny! forever in my life. max rose in a suit. phone conversations with aglanz (skittles v. m&ms). shoes. paint. semolinaaa <3 such a nice color, knock on wood. ran in the rain. lomance with gillian. blank check. everything you wanted to know about sex* slept at phi sig had a really scary dream :( bought yogurt. ate frozen yogurt. saw my mom :( chopped up frozen watermelon with kari and put a lime in my mouth sitting at besk and i'm listening to my music so loud right now. ahh. nice. so different from last summer and the summer before. lol sounding like i got off the phone with my childhood crush but really talking to an old employer. i miss brooke. she's so little and such a little diva (good thing, not bad). also, wtf sadie is in san francisco and i didn't see her. blah, just like calvrett aninye. so that's what my life is like. guess we don't have to catch up!


*but were too afraid to ask :D

scrolling marquee should say "rss rules!!!"
ok, i'm not really depressed, just overwhelmed. but i feel right about it now; i think these changes are good. i woke up early! i got very little sleep and i'm tired now but getting things done in the morning is awesome. that's why i like living at home. never any sleep, always up really early. today i got a new cell phone and a new number. ever since i've had a cell phone i've been on my family plan (7 years??) now i'm not. it's small, like, what is a cell phone plan? nothing really...who cares if i'm on my family plan or not? no one, but it felt like the BIGGEST deal to me. my mom kept saying, "i don't want you on the family plan any more," and it felt like it was her way of cutting me off from her. i'm no longer a child so am i no longer a part of her family? that's what it feels like.
also, i've never had to pay for my cell phone before and also my new number sucks in comparison to my old number, which i loved. here it is: 617.308.4533 (sucky new number)

i'm so depressed. like, realllly. i'm feeling totally useless and lost all the time. not having a plan has something to do with it. waking up alone is hard. walking long distances in the heat gives me too much time to think miserable thoughts and everything is just shitty. goddammit. i'm listening to npr right now, this guy is talking about having leprosy. and his struggle. everyone is calling in and talking about how their struggle builds character. life is hard but it makes them who they are. etc. at least this guy with leprosy is recognizing that there will always be problems in life that cannot be overcome. like leprosy.

ok, here, i'm going to be glad that i don't have leprosy. i'm also glad that i'm not old and that i do not have alzheimer's.

unsuccessful chocolate craving satiation
i have to remember not to bake out of desperation. eating the same thing for days (canned beans, not ripe plums, oatmeal) has been driving me crazy, so this evening i decided to make a vegan chocolate cake (i have no eggs). well, it may have turned out alright if i had taken some time with it, but i wanted chocolate NOW, so i rushed through, mixing all the ingredients in the baking pan and tossing it in the oven. result: dry, crumbly, and not so good. now i have a large loaf cake that i would never serve to anyone outside my family...i guess i have something new to eat for the upcoming days.
in other news, congratulations to my good friend jaime. he's engaged. god bless. and a picture for the internet:

hi hi hi
soooo, i'm in the lounge right now. watching muriel's wedding. but not really. i haven't been paying attention the whole time because calvrett is distracting me and i'm drunk. calvrett thinks i hate fat people. but then again, he says crazy things like that and everyone thinks i'm crazy and misconstrues basically everything i say. like. people are crazy. and don't understand me. and then they think i'm crazy. but seriously. there is no way that i hate fat people. at all. he just thinks this because one time i mentioned something about japan and its fat people. ummmmm.
wtf. now we're not even watching the movie because calvrett is showing some video about black people getting kicked out of a pool in philadelphia. wtf. that's retarded. also. i went to union square today to drink coffee and write emails at bloc 11. they charge $$ for their wifi. how annoying. so

righteous dude --> don't read this because i don't say anything
"if i was bleeding out my eyes you'd make me go to school" lol, ferris's sister is soooo funny. i think the first time i saw ferris bueller's day off was after coming home from new england music camp the summer before my first year of high school. while i was gone my mom bought it and all of my siblings saw it and they HAD to show it to me. i got home and we all watched it on my parents' bed. man. i miss those days. i don't really remember who drove me home from camp. oh! it must have been my whole family. i remember now. they picked me up from nemc. that morning i blew kisses to eli when he was leaving on a bus. last time i ever saw him. anywayss. that's old.
so! lol. i'm watching it right now. it just started. and that girl gives the rumor that she heard from her best friend's boyfriend's whatever about ferris being sick. i remember i MEMORIZED that. for some reason i thought it was sooooo funny to just ramble that off. let me see if i can remember. my best friend's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend said she heard from this guy that ferris passed out at 31 flavors last night. i guess it's pretty serious. was that it?! nooo i don't think it was. owell. can someone check please? i'm watching it on vhs and i really don't want to rewind it.
is this only going to be about ferris bueller's day off? i'm watching and all i want to do is write down funny shit. lollll ed rooney's secretary. and fry. i loveeeee them. did i even have an idea of what i wanted to write in this blog? do i ever? yes. sometimes i do. but really. i love watching movies from my childhood.

okkkk i'm bored of this entry. i want to take more pictures on my webcam now.

yesssss
i figured out how to use my webcam on my cute little computer. yay!! so here's a picture of me

i am trying to look uncomfortable. is it working? actually, i'm not uncomfortable at all. just sleepy from staying up late and waking up kind of early. i was in a car earlier today and it was a lot of fun! katie the lady, penelope moonchild and i getting lost in acton, ma. we're kinda dumb. a group of high school skaters with tight jeans and long hair were checking us out today. "i don't want to go anywhere near them." so she parked really far away but then we had to walk by them and that's when they "looked us up and down". "quel day is it?" "quelle livre did you get?" and WE ONLY WANT TWO ONIONS. should i water my plants now? and waiting in doctors' offices is fun when they have magazines i want to read. can't wait for friday and i can't believe 4th of july is this saturday and i sort of wish i were living in a living room in brighton this summer. woah!

the tv is doing that thing again. sometimes i get grossed out looking at olive garden commercials. my mom is sitting in front of me saying "god, i love him so much." me too!

srsly
when did boston decide to have a rainy season? cuz it sucks and it's srsly making me feel like crap. alice and i are going to play tennis when it gets nice out. woohoo!

quit my job quit it!
at least. i would love to. ya know. not work. lounge around my room all day. bike around all day. think about life. think about people. hang out with my family. help my mom. go travellin'. cook food. smile more. maybe start working out. lol. maybe i could learn how to run. maybe i could fix a lot of things. read. i need to make a list, but not this list.

why do i go to the whistle stop?
traditions traditions. favorite haunts. the whistle stop was totally the cool place to go after school on wednesdays in fifth grade. caleb wilson, oh dreamboat, elementary school heartthrob, and julie sitting in a tree. going to whistle. we all went too. ashley and charlie almost kissed in one of the booths at country pizza. also in fifth grade. christine dumped her empties in whistle's trashcans after some party (not in fifth grade). brian thought it was hilarious and opened the lid for her. today he said, 'hey what happened to that girl, i love her, one of my best buddies?' who? 'you know, the one who got skinny. jewish she lost a lot of weight.'
walden is nice. i watched christine swim in it the other day. we had to walk around the whole pond before we found a spot that she liked so we made up a story to go along with the walk. we are the schpotter sisters. we schpot and schpot, looking for the perfect spot. we will walk around for 20 years until we find it! we are famous. we are those two weird old ladies. the schpotter sister legend. we did find a spot and i watched christine swim around. i took a picture of her and sat on the rock steps. i even put my feet in the water!
amanda is home from spain now and christine and i have been trying to get her on to lincoln time the past three nights. they end before 10pm with amanda mumbling funny things in her sleep, pretending to watch a movie, and christine is left with 18 beers and i don't feel like helping her with them because amanda makes me so sleepy.

ok! here are a couple pictures of my food. yum yum.

i took so many pictures of the sugar puffs i made today cuz they're so fucking cute!

today has been long. doing things since 8, getting a little tired now. i forgot how busy i am at home! doing home things, buying this, baking that, cleaning those and this cooking and shopping and picking flowers going to walden pond and driving my brother around and organizing and yeah. always something to do.
i want to bake my own bread. kari started over iap. she made sooo much--almost every day it seemed! well, it really inspired me to try out bread myself, even if i'm only getting started six months later. my first attempt at yeast-bread was pizza dough last week. i tried to recreate my favorite american flatbread: dancing heart (from my favorite restaurant in waitsfield, vt:american flatbread). asiago, olive oil, sesame seeds and ground pepper. my toppings were right but my flatbread...not so much. i made the pizza dough from scratch. really easy recipe, not super delicious...i was impatient and didn't wait more than 2 hours for it to rise and i could have chosen a better recipe. owell. it was still good and the toppings were great. i also caremelized onions which tasted amazing with tomatoes and mozzarella. the next day i baked loaf bread using a simple recipe i found on nytimes.com. good for toast and jelly, but i overbaked all three loaves!
today i baked a no-yeast chocolate yogurt loaf cake. DELICIOUS and soooo easy. the yogurt made the bread moist and light. if i hadn't used yogurt and instead more butter it would have been like a brownie, and i wasn't really in the mood for brownies. i'm actually not really in the mood to write about my baking anymore. but i will say this. the chocolate bread, warm, with black raspberry icrecream from lizzy's in waltham. delicious! i'm going to bake another later with raspberries or maybe bananas or chocolate chips. yum yum.

late night conversations are confusing. late night emails...are great. i hate waking up to texts trying to piece things together. they don't really help anything, maybe they even make things more confusing. but i love waking up to two emails from two people i love both with different links to two embarrassing things. one is embarrassing for me. you can google me if you want and find it. the other is embarrassing for another person and i would share the link. i would TOTALLY share the link! but i promised her i wouldn't.

i'm sitting at besk right now. checking my emailsss, looking forward to the beautiful day. it's so beautiful. how funny. last night i went to a party. it was a lot of fun! i ran into a friend from high school. sooooo random. i think i spent a little too much time reminiscing with him-- it just reminded me that high school was a really long time ago but it's still around. rurik said college parties suck, but uhhhh, helllloo, rurik...?
sometimes i'm so glad that i can go on twitter and read anjuli's tweet and remember something funny from last night. i'm so glad that my tweets are still there even though they disappeared for a long time. i'm so glad that i had this weekend to look forward to and i'm sad it's over. i'm leaving for korea and japan on wednesday. here's a list about nothing in particular:
rainy rian rian rian rain
plastic bags
pubic hair
a sore neck
waking up early
waking up early and getting breakfast
hearing lynne in the courtyard
being silly and stoned and sad
packing
toads and frogs
getting over things
being a rabbit then watching the girls next door by myself!
haaaaa not anything in particular

here's an old dream i had (sometime in february):
i'm performing, or there is a concert, and i am in the back room off the side of the stage where people can practice. actually, now that i think about it, it's my high school's band room. there are chairs and stands and a couple computers on the side of the room. i'm sitting at one of the computers, minding my own business, maybe doing some work. there is another person in the room and i don't really care, but he comes over to talk to me. he's sexy. older than me...for some reason his name is gabrielli which is the 9.00 professor's name and he's old, but this guy in my dream is maybe in his early 30s. so he comes and sits next to me and is trying to seduce me but i'm not responsive. but why not?! he's so good looking. i think he's wondering the same thing, 'why is this girl not receptive?' so he says, "i'm a real man. real men publish important scientific papers. i do that. don't you want a real man?" LOL. that's pretty much the end of my dream.

you said Is
there anything which
is dead or alive more beautiful
than my body,to have in your fingers
(trembling ever so little)?
Looking into
your eyes Nothing,i said,except the
air of spring smelling of never and forever.

....and through the lattice which moved as
if a hand is touched by a
hand(which
moved as though
fingers touch a girl's
breast,
lightly)
Do you believe in always,the wind
said to the rain
I am too busy with
my flowers to believe,the rain answered

i miss may
i'm so glad it's may and april is over, that this past year is over. i'm so glad i have something to look forward to next weekend. (you know what i'm talking about.) i'm so glad. i thought i wouldn't have this feeling again for a long time, but it's coming back...actual excitement! i was so lost last year and i kept making decisions that made me more and more confused--i lost more and more of who i used to be. i stopped getting excited about things. everything was the same. same thing every day, weekend, month, night, second. there was nothing to look forward to. i got used to expecting the worst, or at best, the same thing. life is so boring with nothing to look forward to, and life is really sad when you learn to expect the worst. it's good to learn how to protect yourself from things that can hurt you but you can do it the wrong way. there are many ways and some are easy and some are hard. the easy was is to stop trusting people. it's the worst and saddest way to protect yourself. when you stop trusting you stop expecting good things and looking forward to things and you stop getting close to people. and i did that and i forgot how to have a relationship with another human. it makes you such a boring person.
i used to be really simple. and the simple me was happy. i loved loving people and trusting them and i was happy doing that. but then one thing leads to another, maybe someone abuses your trust, many people abuse your trust, my simpleness, and before you know it you're nothing like you used to be and you don't know how to go back. well, first you have to want to go back. i didn't realize that i wanted to go back until many bad things happened. no, i didn't even realize it then because i didn't realize how boring of a person i had become. i didn't see how what i had become was different from how i used to be. i could just keep letting bad things happen to me. i would just become a more boring person every time and every time less likely to go back to who i was. so how did i realize it?
it helps to have friends, just a few people who love you. i had someone, actually a couple people, who told me what to do. and i still had some strength in me. i had to use all of my strength not to go back. i still am working at it...i'm not back to who i used to be. but i have friends and i realize that i don't like who i became and i can see how to go back. and now i finally have something to look forward to! and i can feel excitement again. so thank you, helpful and really smart people. thank you for helping me realize i was not acting like myself. and thank you for helping me go back. i'm still young, but at least i'm maturing. at least i'm learning how to take responsibility for my actions, for my friends and my family and my heart.

no computer now no phone
life is great! i lost my phone today on the steps of 77. when bill came i must have left it behind...owell. i got a bit flustered when i remembered that i changed my background picture last night. it used to be a picture of hwe dopbop (yummy food) and now it's a picture i took of a drawing i did last year of a vagina with a tongue on it and under it i wrote "lick". LOL. IT'S A JOKE!!!
also, i don't have a bike lock anymore. merrrrrmer
but life is great. that wasn't supposed to be sarcastic. :D

april sux
everyone knows it. i pause like i don't have anymore to say but really i was trying to remember somethings from today! i'm updating my blog because okie said he misses me on twosense. okie. one of my oldest friends at mit. crazy! also, rian and i met two years ago today...i think. haha, i don't know. sometime around now. will everyone take a moment to notice that rian is now at the top of my blog roll...and at the bottom. he's everywhere.
yeah, so april sucks. spring tends to suck every year. everything is overwhelming and it was too hot today! no, it wasn't. sometimes i forget whether i like it really hot. i also forget if i actually like somethings or if i'm trying to be or not be like someone else. what has become of me?! good thing i have rian here to tell me like it is. rian rian rian.
i didn't write about another thing i wanted to.
TOADS SUCK!
and we live in LOMA -->lower mass ave. or i live in CoMA--> center of mass ave. or we live in JuSoMA-->Just South of Mass Ave. or we live in JuSoLOMA-->Just South of Lower Mass Ave.
STUPID!

it's april!
showers bring flowers (in may). is it still raining? i haven't been outside since it started. sitting here in the infinite with lynne. reading that big blue book and taking notes and trying to figure out things before friday morning.
here's a poem by e.e.cummings

yes is a pleasant country:
if's wintry
(my lovely)
let's open the year

both is the very weather
(not either)
my treasure
when violet's appear

love is a deeper season
than reason;
my sweet one
(and april's where we're)

i want to update my blog. but i think i've forgotten how!
some things i've been given recently:
a bruise
salted herring candy
disposable camera
candied orange/grapefruit rinds
hugs and kisses!

:D

even more but this was the first one with painting


clouds are weird and fluffy
air is see through
but it still has so much stuff
air is also weird!
when the air is high pressure
sometimes it quickly changes
and then it is low pressure
and the clouds
(remember clouds are weird)
start dropping snow and rain
with all this change
and the change is so fast!
my head starts to hurt
but i walk in the smooshy stuff
clouds drop smooshy stuff
and my hair gets wet

more poetry

lingam means lingam
wand of light
conduit for creative pleasure
i love caressing
and penises
and prostates the sacred
spot
massage me ooo massage me
see me?
do you want me to get a pillow?
bend your knees

i don't make fun
of ken haggerty
about charlie
would you shit on my dick there?

POEMS
math after cole slaw
we thought of briggs
that helped with the slaw
i forced her to finish hers
but i gave him a cooookie
it was just half
and then i gave him croutons
friday afternoon before you had to leave
now i'm waiting to go to the hospital

i hold no grudge
nina simone said that
it makes sense
but hard lessons learned
i hold grudges but
i love your loving ways

if i stayed up for many hours
after many hours that i've been awake
time starts to slow down
everything is unfair
my tummy starts to grumble
and i forget when i am here

my mom called me
today and i realized
i am psychic time to share
my powers with the world
a more convincing sign
will change my life
do i already know what
is in store for me?

rurik and rian sitting
in a tree kissing
next to me on a couch
matrix matrix
led led led
code code talk talk
rub your chin, rian you
need to shave and i need
to cure my headache
but i'm not taking medicine
or coffee anymore

rian and rurik are so cute
they are married
i'm so prooud of you
it's all because of you
you're such a cutie
little hacker
such a cutie hacker
so ooooo cute

MNFC
in high school this guy made t-shirts that said "MNFC", which stands for Matt Natoli Fan Club. who is matt natoli? he's the guy who mad the shirts. i never got one but i remember wanting one. they were red and matt was funny, you know, in a goofy way. but seriously, you can't just make t-shirts for your own fan club. maybe his last name has two ts?
in other anyways news: i can't wait for THIS WEEKEND.

valentine's day

Like a flower waiting to bloom
like a light bulb in a dark room
I am sitting here waiting for you to come home and turn me on

like the desert waiting for rain
like a school kid waiting for spring
I am sitting here waiting for you to come back home and turn me on

My poor heart, it's been so dark
since you've been gone
after all you're the one who turned me off
now you're the only one that can turn me back on
uh
my hi-fi's waiting for a new tune
and my glass is waiting for some fresh ice-cubes
I'm just sitting here waiting for you to come on
back home and turn me own.

If I stay, I know I'm that I'ma share your love and that I couldn't take. And
if I go, we'll be apart and I know my heart would surely break. So, what
difference does it make, which one I choose? Either way I lose.

Though I know, my love is true. I'd die if you ever told me good-bye. Ever told
me good-bye. And I know, she loves you too. She would do, the same as I. What
difference does it make, which one I choose? Either way I lose. Either way I
lose. EIther way I lose.

why keep on breaking my heart?
when it's beating for you
only you

why do you toy with my dreams
they're depending on you to come true

when you invaded my mind
you took over complete control

then i surrender to you
all my dreams, my heart and soul

please say
there's a chance some day you may feel just the way
that i do

but why keep on breaking my heart
when it's beating for you
only you

why keep on breaking my heart
when it's beating for you
only you

Break down and let it all out
Break down and let it all out

I've held back my tears
Just as long as I could
But now my eyes can see
It's all over for you and me
And holding back ain't gonna do no good

I'm gonna break down and let it all out
Break down and let it all out


I've hidden my heart too many times before
Now my aching heart knows that we're apart
And I can't hide it anymore

So I'm gonna break down and let it all out
Break down and let it all out

I remember when you used to love me and oh how sweet it was...
but it's not enough just to remember, 'cause
what good is the past?
once upon a time...
All those old memories can set my heart at ease
So before I loose my mind...yeah

I'm gonna break down and let it all out
Break down and let it all out

My eyes are open and now I see it's all over for you and me
Break down and let it all out
Break down and let it all out

Now my aching heart knows that we're apart
Break down and let it all out
Break down and let it all out

All those old memories can set my heart at ease
Break down and let it all out
Break down and let it all out...

two men, both 76 years old, one in new hampshire, one in vermont. one was a truck driver, the other talked about his dead cats (one was old the other he killed by accident). the truck driver talked to brooke about trucking routes, he talked to me about vermont's politics. he doesn't like vermonters. 85% of the speeders in new hampshire are from vermont. that's what he said. or maybe it was that 85% of the handicapped vermont license plates are not actually used by handicapped drivers. the other man said he was bored and that's why he talked to us. he came over to the fire and said "i thought i smelled something over here". was he talking about my smelly ski socks?

all of my clothes i've worn smell like cupcakes. that's nice but do i always smell like frosting?

BILL
New game! BILL. Gabe and I are tied for a hi-skoar of 10.

Bill from Amanda Moritz on Vimeo.

]]]]Day of Gumbo[[[[
Friday night Seohyung and I went to dinner then stayed in and watched the royal tenenbaums. she spent the night, we stayed up late talking and i woke up exhausted saturday but still made it to harvest and back to bexley at 2pm like i had planned to start cooking. Justen was a great sous-chef and together we made a delicious gumbo and managed to NOT set off the bexley fire alarm after the one in my room went off.
friends and friends came over and we invented games and played jenga and then there was a camp fire with s'mores in the courtyard. after eating much gumbo and many s'mores we all headed over to crash the beta christmas party, which was in fact a shit show.
one our way back to bexley marcus and i lost mali and some scary shit went down. i hope she'll alright. love you, mali.

going to decoupage my ceiling soon. maybe the solar system? maybe i'll make my ceiling the roof of a forest!

walking up the stairs to the atrium with lynne. talking about skin and doctors. and there he is! sebastian seung. and i said "look, it's sebastian" and i guess he and all these post-docs heard because he stopped talking to them and stared at me and then lynne made this noise like "uhhh,ehhh do you know him?" and i said no and then we had to walk across the atrium past them and then i started laughing out of embarrassment and now that all happened 5 minutes ago. and he was my 9.01 professor. and i sort of like that i just did that.

Almost 2 weeks since my 9.31 exam and the professor still has not posted the grades! even though she said she would last friday and even after I emailed her and Lynne emailed her and even after she emailed out 30 minutes ago saying she posted them. Fuck! I want my test back.

oh nvmind. i'm smart enough to fix it. too bad i had to delete something i wrote.

i'm not a bad girl. you. oh you. but i love this video. i put videos on my new vimeo. from carrie's birthday party this weekend. i have a lot more. they're funny.

fuck, i fucked something up

i made a lot of chili today. come over and eat it. i didn't go to seneca falls this weekend. should i have? i was listening to serge gainsbourg today. i love you... i don't. je t'aime, oh oui je t'aime. moi non plus. oh, mon amour, Tu es la vague, moi l'île nue. you are the wave, i am the naked island. you come and you go between my loins.

I made a joke with someone and i was going to write in my blog about it. but i forget what it was...i remember where and who, though! it was at the hapa ice cream study break this wednesday and bryan said something. or i said something. probably about ice cream and he said "oh, are you going to blog about it?".
today i took a long walk. i ran into many people on mass ave. first it was will bosworth, he was sitting with a pretty girl on the steps of the post office. he always says hi to me after i've already walked by and not noticed him then i have to turn around and i don't know what to say to him and the pretty girl is so distracting and she's sitting above him on the stairs and her name is lauren. i think she's hapa. dark hair! i didn't know if i would turn right and go to inman square or go straight to harvard sq but then i went straight and realized that i could walk back through inman and get a sandwhich. i did that! but first i saw sara and brendan with ice cream cones (jp licks in harvard square) and the medar and his brother and his girlfriend. she has short hair now. it's nice. so then i went to inman and i was thinking...wasn't i walking here not too long ago? like 16 hours ago? i was.
24 hours ago i was sitting in mary chung's with my family and praveen. totally on accident. praveen came by to go to dinner, i said "mary chung's!" then my mom texted me when i got out of the shower "we're going to mary chung's" i guess that's her inviting me to dinner with them. ha, i was going there. so praveen and i walked over in the rain and waited for my family and i was really excited to see them and my sister was asking me all sorts of questions in front of my parents, praveen was hunching and snickering when my sister said, "so amanda! how's your sex life" and my mom looked over at me and said, "you're high. i know it. you are so stoned." she called me this morning to tell me how disappointed she is that i don't have enough respect to wait until after a family dinner to get high. ummm. i wasn't even. i remember when my sister used to sneak into my closet and borrow my clothes without asking. i could always tell. first, my closet would be a mess from her rummaging; second, when she folds jeans she buttons the fly. i never do that...even when i told her i could tell that she borrowed my pants by the way they were folded, she kept doing it. lol.

Stressss
The semester hasn't even started and I'm already breaking out and gaining weight. ugh. so why am I stressed? Well, right now I'm not, but I was. And for such a dumb reason but oh so important at the same time. Moving out of Bexley three months ago was so fucking annoying. I had to move out in a rush and I left all my storage boxes outside of the cages and didn't bother to check on them to make sure they got put in the cages. Didn't think about them all summer until I started thinking, 'what if Jon Nolan threw them out?!?!' all my books! I don't remember what else is down there, probably some jewelry, but seriously, those books. So many I haven't even read yet... just buy to read later and my dad's old books and textbooks and picture books, and some posters. fuck! I was so Stressed out about it. But last night I went down and just peered in and saw a big box with CODEX written on the side which is my dad's old company and I knew SOMEONE IS TOO NICE FOR LUGGING ALL MY SHIT INTO THE CAGES! I love you soooo much.
I have a feeling this semester will be great! no. this YEAR will be great. By the way, I was reading my horoscope in Allure this month and wow, I don't believe in that stuff but this was just wayyyy too close to my life.

i love you! i love working hard and getting things done. i also love free food and nice people along with many computers and my tamagotchi and looking good/feeling good. feeling good feeling great. how bout you?

i don't understand why someone would want bird wallpaper in his home. scary! the birds. also, i don't like moths. i mean! butterflies.

sometimes i wake up in a really good mood and even driving in traffic doesn't get me down. in fact, it can give me faith. i can be a nice driver and sometimes i can be a crazy-bitch driver. today i was the nicest. considerate. calm. understanding. i probably messed up somewhere due to sleepiness. but everyone makes mistakes.

Paint-ings updated...and i'm going to start making them again.

My lower back has been hurting for the past few weeks…ever since I returned home. I’m pretty sure it has to do with Guitar Hero. I play that game a few times a week for an hour or so at a time and I slouch and then my back hurts. Owell. I love Guitar Hero.
I started a new UROP yesterday at the Center for Neuroeconomics. It’s brand new, like we don’t even have a real office yet. Or we do and it’s in that ugly building “One Broadway” but no one is there and it would be really lonely if I were there alone. So here I am, in E40, and next week I’ll be in 46 somewhere.
I’ve been reading about trust and facial resemblances. Remember just a few weeks ago all I was doing was thinking about trust? That was actually about five weeks ago. Who knew that right now this is what I would be doing…reading about trust and the brain. The title of a preview I just skimmed over is “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on oxytocin”. I thought that was really cute and it reminded me of being a little kid.
Familiarity and fear and oxytocin have a lot to do with humans and trust. Oxytocin is a neuromodulator/hormone that is released when we have physical contact with others. It’s also released in women during breast feeding and orgasm. It’s also produced in the hypothalamus which is a biological and emotional regulator in the brain, and acts on the amygdale and nucleus accumbens(which are also emotional and social behavior regions). That’s why it’s both a hormone and a neuromodulator!
In one experiment “investors” and “trustees” were either given an oxytocin or a placebo nasal spray. Then they played a game where the investor had to decide whether or not to give some/all/or none of his money to an anonymous trustee. This requires a lot of trust because the trustee could always fuck you over and not return any or your money. Investors who were given oxytocin were more likely to trust the anonymous trustees and give them their money. This probably has something to do with oxytocin reducing our aversion to betrayal or something.
I mentioned fear earlier because in other studies that test the trustworthiness of faces there is bilateral activation of the amygdala which I was always taught to be the “fear” center in our brain. I started reading this really easy and silly book called “The Female Brain” and it mentioned that men have larger amygdalae… whatever, that book is annoying so I stopped reading it. But if you think about it, the amygdala was activated in response to faces rated by the subject as untrustworthy and it was more activated for faces rated as more untrustworthy. So yeah. I guess I am a bit afraid…or skeptical, of those who I judge as untrustworthy by looking at them, and I’m definitely scared of those bitches I don’t trust for sure! I’m done writing about this for now.

tonight i'm going to a cheese party. i wish dimitri were back already so i could take him but he returns tuesday night. i also wanted to take christine but she leaves for cyprus today and amanda is in new york and in a few weeks i'll be home alone because my family will be in egypt and syria.

also see psychogeography

flâneur flâneur flâneur flâneur flâneur flâneur flâneur flâneur flâneur flâneur

i found the scripts to a bunch of movies. it would be really fun if some people would do a remake with me.

okay okay
i saw SATC:TM today. if you don't know what that is, well...
lahdeedahdeehaahahah

i've been doing dishes and my nails have gone to SHIT.
fuckin' so annoying... :)

when i'm bored i:
-watch sex and the city
-paint my nails
-go for walks
-buy things i don't need
-feel sorry for myself
-smell my flowers (they aren't dead!!)

a few things i've been thinking about either recently or all the time:
-relationships
-trust
-liking people
-why some people smell and taste bad
-why some people smell so good
- the outdoors
-communicating

salt 'n' pepa with en vogue "whatta man" single on cassette.
yay :)

F=ma
fmahahahahahahahahaha

eeeeee
today, for some reason, i'm happier than i have been in a long time. finally over jet lag. got two tests in a couple hours.


i've also got a tumblr now. and a new camera. check it.

jet lag is strange. the past four days have felt like six short days. i sleep an hour a couple times through out the night, wake up exhausted, i haven't been to class because i sleep all day. last night i took the last of my lorazepam, about 2mg, to help me sleep. it didn't help much; i got about four hours, but at least i was in this dumb/happy/stress free state.
i like it like this-getting my work down at 6am, grocery shopping at 7am, sleeping until noon, getting lunch, then going back to sleep. now i'm awake again. what will i do tonight? sleep? no. allston? lsc? 148?
here's a funny picture from japan

now i'm starting to get tired.

i am so hungry.
you are still so ugly.

in narita
last night i ended up in a japanese emergency room. it was fun. they were so nice. the doctor on call was a dermatologist so even though i was throwing up she prescribed me some stuff for my skin (and stuff for my stomach). i really hate/love japan.
now i'm in the airport waiting to board. bored. i'm excited to get back to mit.
weeeeeee

there is this little cat named mittens. i'm friends with this cat. once the owners of this cat grabbed it from someone's room and said, very loudly, "someone got the cat high." well, maybe we did. this cat has lots of energy. it's very cute. i just learned that its name is mittens. what a dumb name. i always called it doomkitten because it is the cat of doomCom, the place where freaks live. i have fun playing games with doomkitten. always the same games. she loves to grab at my hair elastic. and so she'll grab it and hook it on her teeth and then i'll spin her around and around. sometimes i put the hair elastic somewhere and she'll figure out how to get there. i really like to put the hair elastic on a hook high up on the door. she'll jump for it and jump for it and then look at me, meow, walk around, and jump for it again. before she jumps she is very quiet. she crouches and calculates. you can feel her concentration. she's a fucking awesome cat. i also like to pick her up and sit her on my neck. or anywhere else on my body. she is a little cat and she fits lots of places. once someone told me that she was in his drawer and he did not know this until he opened the drawer. i'm not entirely sure if that's how the story goes. for a while i really wanted a cat. see, i moved into this dorm, and i can have a cat here. but my room is small and i share it with this stranger, and i don't think she would be too happy with me if i brought a cat home. on top of that i'm kind of lazy, and soon enough my room would smell like cat shit and i would resent taking care of my cat. probably. maybe.

do you ever look at something and notice those little spots in what you're seeing-- little and sort of clear but outlined in a whitish thing? those are called "floaters" and drift around in your vitreous humor. i've always wondered what the hell those things are, and for the longest time i thought there was something wrong with me. nope, just some floaters.

wow. things were so different then.
what then? every then. all of them. and me too. do you understand what i'm saying?
love,
amanda

that gene kelly is so dashing!

oh, excuse me. i must go outside because it is the most beautiful day in my life.

fucking flumnums!
bring it back. bring it all back. i want it back!

knitting, i'm making something

omgomgomg
balaji leaves in three days. it's cold here. my boogers freeze inside my nose when i'm outside for more than five minutes. !!!

um for realz srsly taking portraits of you

my arm is kind of sore from wii boxing. so are my nipples...i think. i feel like a big log full of goose and potatoes and chocolate mousse and squash and whatever else, like brusselsprouts.

mmMM dark chocolate
it's snowing so much. i'm looking out my window. my window is open. i used to go out in the snow all the time. this one time i was in my room, it must have been before sixth grade, and i looked out around 1am and it was snowing for the first time that winter. so i opened my window, stuck my head out, and ate the snow off my roof. then i went outside in barefeet and ran around until my mom woke up and yelled at me to come inside. it was so much fun!
i didn't have exams back then and all i did was look forward to skiing. i'm a few days away from two big exams and i don't know when i'll be skiing next. sometimes i hate school so much.

so i have this "flattened banana" and it tastes so good. it's really a pile of flattened bananas and i think i'm supposed to peel them apart and eat them individually but they won't separate, so i just bite into this thick sheet of mushed, flattened, dried banana. and it tastes sooo good. balaji wouldn't eat it, but that just means more for me. although sometimes it hurts my teeth/gums since it's very thick in some places.

gossip girl is SUCH a good show!

there's a reason thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. really, there are manyyyyy reasons.
here are some reasons why this thanksgiving was the best ever:
-two thanksgiving dinners
-"cousins"
-christmas tree shopping
-midnight shopping
-decorating
-girlfriends
-shopping
-making pies
-a memorial service/funeral
-before sunrise
i think there must be many more reasons i had a lot of fun this weekend. being home is one of them. bridget (my 'cousin') stayed with us for two nights. she has red hair and likes cameras. i saw amanda, christine and katie my last night home and we had so much fun catching up and looking at millions of pictures from old days. there's nothing like childhood friendship.
i left my hairbrush at home so now i'm walking around with unbrushed hair. last night i dreamt that i was in someone's house and i found a bunch of combs and hairbrushes and then i took them. but i woke up and i didn't have any of those combs, so i had to use my fingers to pull apart the large knots in my hairs.

worst weather of the semester
there's a moth in my room. there were lots of moths in my room at the beginning of the semester when i left a box of pasta out. i thought all of those stupid moths flew away. but they didn't. there's one moth that's flying around my room, always there, i'm always swatting at it, clapping my hands together in an attempt to squash it. but it never dies and it keeps flying right in front of my face. right in front of me, all around me. whenever i'm in my room it just comes up and teases me. that asshole of a moth! i hate it. and i want it dead.

poor balaji :( he has pneumonia.

Jan Svankmajer - tma/svetlo/tma (Darkness/Light/Darkness)

"sometimes i've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

how many friends do you have? why are they your friends? what do you do with them? what do you tell them? do you like them? do you love them? what are friends???

i guess i have some friends. i like some of them i love some of them. i talk to them about all sorts of things and i have friends that i do different things with. and then we get in fights. not always and not frequently. when you get in a fight with someone it sucks. i was in a disagreement with my best friend a few posts ago. how upsetting.
what about fights that you have with people you aren't friends with? those are just stupid and they shouldn't really matter. should they? if you really don't care about what other people think about you then i guess it doesn't matter. i care about what other people say about me. friday night someone said something about me right in front of me. i didn't know this person at all, but it put me in such a bad mood. and then i would think, 'i shouldn't be upset by this! but i'm still so upset' and that upset me. haha. i'm over that now. i don't even know about that person!

i made some new paint-ings. they're up! or they will be very soon. i have a new one that i'm planning right now. it's secret. it's for MYSELF. me. two nights ago i picked up my sketch pad (the one balaji gave me) and took it around with me and people started to draw in it. it's going to be full of other people's drawings. i'm very excited about my lovely sketch pad.

FINALLLLLY
i can update my blog. so ummmm. my life. oh my life. ohhhh my life. i think i'll just copy rian's blog. but no, that's boring. especially since he's the only one who always reads it, so if it's the same, it will just be so boring for him.
so right now i'm in my room. i took a good nap a couple hours ago. like...i just passed out in balaji's bed. lights on and him typing away. i can never just fall asleep like that. i didn't know i was so tired. but now i'm in my room and i'm trying to find the latest episode of gossip girl to download, but i can't find it anywhere. wtf internet! give me what i want when i want it. that's why i use you!
today i watched some of thet lindsay lohan movie with kemi and rian. just the part where she's pole dancing. alice told me about it. also, alice told me about "people get cut, that's life" bha;leahahaahaha;lfa. omg. so bad!
so what i'm writing about right now is really boring. i think i'm going to take michael's advice and write about how relationships are path-dependent and "secret love"
sooooo. love sucks. that's life. actually, i don't really want to write about it right now since i'm talking to him about it as i write this. ughh. but yeah. i wish things could just work out, that things that are meant to happen...i mean things that could be amazing if they happened could just always happen regardless of the situation. regardless of rules and games and other people and situations and time and weather and seasons and everything like that.

i went to the salvation army store today and bought three cassettes. boys II men "II", "white christmas" (because i love that movie and watch it every year) and "feel good mix II". salvation army sells people's old mix tapes! so i bought this feel good mix because i love feel good music. "60 min. of rockin' good tunes to put a grin on dat melon 'a yours."
omg! i just had to buy it. even if it does have "in the garage" on it. that's not a feel good song. so yes. what a week. what a week.

what a fucking weird week. things are happening. maybe they are going to happen. do things happen fast or slow. i'll always remember steff's mom "i like my ping pong fast but my sex slow" did she really tell me that!?! did she really tell me that in front of steff when we were but juniors in high school!?
so last night kemi and i took about 1000000 pictures at wine and cheese. one of them is of my nipple! and the other is over my vag. just kidding, but i know dugan wants my vag. AND they're on someone else's camera never to be deleted because there is NO delete button on that old camera. oh oh. and then some weirdos wanted to see me with short hair. maybe i'll just cut it all off?

now balaji, do you know all my secrets? NO. hahaha. and you never will ;) but don't worry, no one does. oooo0000oooo

it's my birthday tomorrow. i'm soooo excited. i haven't been this excited for a birthday since i can remember. i was pretty excited last year when i turned eighteen. i could finally go to shows! 19, as rian hunter pointed out last night, isn't even that great of a year. why am i so fucking excited? maybe it's because i have a super cute outfit picked out. maybe because my nice friends will be joining me. maybe i have things figured out this year. i'm not sure. i just did my 5.12 pset. it made me feel good. i didn't think that i would be able to figure it out because i've been falling behind in many of my classes, but going to office hours with balaji and vijay was very helpful. oh yeah. now i just need to do my 7.012 pset. i wanted to do it with joyce, but she seems busy. owell.
so yeah, my birthday. am i getting old??? people who are older than me tell me i'm so young. some call me a baby. soon enough i'll be old like them. will i still be a cute little baby? i sure hope so!!!!

friendship
it's so weird. relationships and friendships. they're your own business. all your business. no one else knows anything about them except for you. i have a boyfriend. we have a good relationship. we like to spend time with each other and do silly things and have lots of fun with each other. i also have friends. we do sort of the same stuff together minus some other stuff and plus some other stuff. basically, i feel good with these people. but sometimes they make you feel like shit. and you obsess about it and it tears you apart because you care about them lots. and it sucks when you disagree on major things, but that happens. you just have to realize that you love each other and that things will work out. all of this happens and people judge, but i wish people could be so understanding and just realize that people still love people and that friendships happen with people even if they don't understand. it just is there. well. you know? i know.

thank you pretzelfriend

Here is a Haiku.
I wrote this Haiku for You.
But, do You like it?


i love it.

this one's for brooke
brooke is cool. she is pretty. she is soooo cute and little. she can fit in my body. she reads my blog. i know it. i can feel it in my bones.
sometimes i wish she would come over.

i'm eating a scone right now. it's delicious!!!
last night was weird. but so good. it started perfectly normal with the hills at manapat's apartment and then got creepy. balaji and i decided to take a walk to the river late last night and we spent a lot of time there. when we turned around to go home there was this guy, sitting under a tree on the side of the charles, just sitting there the whole time. obviously could hear and see everything. sooooo weird. we walked very fast.

no sailing this weekend :(
we ended up sitting at island hopper for four hours on friday talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking. and then saturday we went to dimsum where we were talking and talking and then i went to see fujiya and miyagi with praveen and before that we sat at 1369 for a long time and now i'm working. it's sunday.
i really like to read nice summaries of things that i've read. ??? i mean. i like it when i'm reading something and then i read a good little summary of something. it makes my whole body sort of jelly-around. like...oooooooo, that's sooo nice.
some dude says soooo because of me i guess. what a lame-o. brooke started to say soooooo this summer when we worked together. she hated it. i started to be really self-conscious of my speech. oops. well. not anymore.
when i write emails the different sections of the email will usually start with: so, also, anyways, and yeah, well.

and yeah. that's about it.

oh. life is pretty sweet. even when i'm failing 18.03. because i kick ass at so many other things.
i feel really good. i'm sitting in sigma kappa across from alice. she's so pretty:) we're going to dinner with michael manapat and after that i will have hung out with him THREE times this week!!!!!!

i also have to think about things like...what am i going to write in my blog?

ughhh
some people have serious power issues. fuck your shit. fuck fuck fuck.
i'm really not angry about anything. i just like to say fuck. i'm actually soooo happy right now. i think i'm going to go sailing with balaji and praveen this weekend.

THAT BETTER HAPPEN!!!

emailz
email is the shit. shit shit shit shit shit. poop poop poop. i lovve emailz. i read an essay about mail and email.
now i'm thinking about it. what the helll!?!??!?

JOY
because it has more Vigah

a bao a qu
if you want to look out over the loveliest landscape in the world, you must climb to the top of the Tower of Victory in Chitor. There, standing on a circular terrace, one has a sweep of the whole horizon. a winding stairway gives access to this terrace, but only those who do not believe in the legend dare climb up. the tales runs:
on the stairway of the Tower of Victory there has lived since the beginning of time a being sensitive to the many shades of the human soul and known as the a bao a qu. it lies dormant, for the most part of the first step, until at the approach of a person some secret life is touched off in it, and deep within the creature an inner light begins to glow. at the same time, its body and almost translucent skin begin to stir. but only when someone starts up the spiraling stairs is the a bao a qu brought to consciousness, and then it sticks close to the visitor's heels, keeping to the outside of the turning steps, where they are most worn by the generations of pilgrims. at each level the creature's color becomes more intense, its shape approaches perfection, and the bluish light it gives off is more brilliant. but it achieves its ultimate form only at the topmost step, when the climber is a person who has attained Nirvana and whose acts cast no shadows. otherwise, the a bao a qu hangs back before reaching the top, as if paralyzed, its body incomplete, its blue growing paler, and its glow hesitant. the creature suffers when it cannot come to completion, and its moan is a barely audible sound, something like the rustling of silk. its span of life is brief, since as soon as the traveler climbs down, the a bao a qu wheels and tumbles to the first steps, where, worn out and almost shapeless, it waits for the next visitor. people say that its tentacles are visible only when it reaches the middle of the staircase. it is also said that it can see with its whole body and that to the touch it is like the skin of a peach.
in the course of centuries, the a bao a qu has reached the terrace only once.
this legend is recorded by C.C. Iturvuru in an appendix to his now classic treatise "on Malay Witchcraft" (1937)
from Jorge Luis Borges's the book of imaginary beings

i'm back in boston. thank god.

family vacations are fun. i forgot about that:) we went to many different places and got in many fights all while taking tons of pictures. duh.
flew to las vegas last wednesday where we spent the night. the next morning we drove to flagstaff, arizona, which is a kick ass town full of awesome people. on the way to flagstaff we drove over the hoover dam and through kingsman which is a depresing place except for the cool train and the awesome route 66 photo ops. we spent several nights in flagstaff. during that time we went north to the grand canyon and south to sedona to see the red rocks.
then we drove to california. we stayed one night in barstowe, california where we checked into a hotel that had opened two hours before our arrival. the next morning we drove up to LA where we stayed at the millenium biltmore in downtown for one night. for such a beautiful building it was possibly the worst hotel ever. sort of. so my family moved out and into someplace in pasadena and i went and spent a night at john's in somis. METAL MONDAYS! (this is monday night) then we spent one or two more nights in california and drove back to las vegas. spent a night there.
las vegas is a very strange place. rode the roller coaster at new york new york. saw KA at the mgm grand and ate at the world buffet at the rio. i ate too much food on this trip. ick. i feel sick from it all.
food i ate includes: tons of korean food(hello LA!!!!), in n' out burger, shitty chinese, shitty vietnamese, buffet food (awesome if not daunting), ummm icecream, and other things. but i just remember lots of food.

tonight is octopus project and stereo total. i am very excited.

the west
arizona is my new favorite state. sort of. i mean to say that it is unimaginably beautiful and people are so nice and the rocks are red and old men sit out on sidewalks where they sell birdcages and give their dead wife's ring to a young passerby.

another fun thing to do out here is drive all the way to LA where you can see friends like john williams. he took me to metal mondays at rock city and then beat me by 125+ points bowling and all of that happened after driving up the coast and listening to mariah carey or something.

i can't wait to move into my new room. it will be soooooo good. can't wait to go home and see jaime.

Perseids
last night was wonderful. a shooting star that spanned the entire sky. left a trail and everything.
just for us:)

TOXIC
my hands are WHITE!

or

my big hands (fall through the cracks)

Up to things
so what have i been up to?
various things. like. playing my flute. reading two pages of harry potter. going to places with
people. talking on the phone with alice a lot. (she comes home on saturday!!!) cleaning up my house
and realizing that it takes a lot of work to keep a big house tidy while parents are gone. listening to lots
of music. spending too much money. clipping my toenails regularly and i finally got a haircut(one week ago).
oh yeah. i've been listening to tlc, en vogue, ll cool j, krs-one, spice girls, tony braxton, and salt n' pepa.
as well as watching their music videos on youtube.

i'll be performing in harvard yard tomorrow at four and at the hatchshell on sunday at some other time.

Tanglewood

went to tanglewood this weekend and had a run in with sammy adams!!!



the rest can be found here.

and !!! is playing on mah birthday.

dammit! lipsynching.
now whenever i watch southpark all i can think about is what mouth shapes they used and when.

that's half a lie. i also think that it's a funny show.

shit is whack. most of the time.

can't wait to go to tanglewood this weekend. ryan's coming with and that should be fun!
also, when i was driving home the other day i was reintroduced to keith sweat's nobody which reminded me of this song
which alice kindly showed me last semester.

one really good thing:

also:
|beach, newport, harry potter|tanglewood|rochester|
all of these things to happen in three weekends. my summer is picking up.

ahaha;ladkfhaahah. so last night in my dream some woman buzzed off all of my hair.

shit. that was dumb.
i love walden pond and benches in it. and i love taking video. (for fun)

why is all of this about work. i fucking can't stand work.
i can't stand pothead bosses who yell at me.

-dan deacon interview then show tomorrow night
-hopefully a battles interview on the 18th
-music video for jana hunter
-"the making of" video due friday
-CUTTING ROB'S HAIR
-will there be cats tomorrow?

i ran into sarah lanzilotta in harvard square today on my way to band rehearsal and filmed her singing and playing the guitar. so we got some pizza together with her friends. i guess i was acting a little strange but it was just a mix of me, sweat and heat, and exhaustion. i went up for a second slice of pepper pizza and the guy behind the counter goes:
"one slice of special *wink* pepper pizza coming up."
ha! on top of that, today when we were filming brooke in the dumpster jason went upstairs to "set up" the green screen,
but he comes down ten minutes later smelling like weed and the green screen wasn't up.

a mystery here.
my first entry. i don't know where caroline has gone. perhaps she'll join later.
originally this was going to be a "meta blog" as in a commentary on the blogosphere.
i think i'll use this as my own blog since jacob was so nice to make us one.
okie told me a while ago. perhaps over thanksgiving break. that he'll make one for anybody.
how nice!

today was the opening of the show at the allston skirt gallery. it went super well.
free food. lots of people and free beer in cool bottles.
i didn't expect all of the pieces, especially the movie "so long" to come together
so nicely. but it did.
i'm going to sleep.